This would be my 600th diary entry.
When I look back at my life, I see an awful lot of things that I started that were supposed to be good for me, but which I was just never able to keep up. A real lot of them. I can't even count how many times I tried to improve my diet, or my health, or stop smoking, or get a handle on the stress that was consuming me. It was bad enough that I needed to do all that stuff, and worse that I kept starting things and couldn't keep them up, but altogether, it made me feel in general like a fuck-up who wasn't much worth anyone's time of day except for the fact that I was exceptionally good at taking care of routine tasks, like going to work and raising children. That all paled, to me, in comparison to the fact that I just couldn't get a handle on being me.
It began to change in May, 2001, I think. That was when I had sunk to my lowest point ever and I knew that if I didnt' start going to therapy, there was really no telling where I might go from there.
I don't know exactly how that worked, to tell the truth, because I just kept dropping in on Dr. H. once a week for three and a half years and talking. But it must have worked. Here's the real magic:
I did it. Something in me said I needed to do a good thing for myself, and I not only began it, I kept doing it. Since that time, I have:
- Stopped smoking for good, on August 1, 2003.
- Changed my diet and lost 20 pounds, as of July, 2004. Okay, I gained back a few, but I'm working on it.
- Started exercising to the point where I now actually get what it does for me and why I'm supposed to do it, and after a lull, started it again.
- Completed therapy -- not quit -- and am continuing to feel pretty good about myself.
- Started keeping this diary on October 17, 2002, and 600 entries later, here I am.
When I started keeping the diary, I was very intrigued by the whole process -- still am -- but I never imagined that I'd keep it up this long. I didn't know then that I was even capable of doing so. But the thing is, like the dieting and the not smoking and the exercising and the therapy, the best thing about it is not what it is intrinsically -- not that I'm writing, or lost weight, or stopped being crazy -- but that I have developed the ability to do something good for me and stick with it. And the best thing about that is that I pretty much like being myself now. It's as if doing all this stuff gave me a reason to want to continue to be me, because now I have some kind of tangible proof that I'm okay.
Crap, I probably wrote something like this for my 100th entry -- really couldn't believe that one -- and every other milestone entry I've come to. It's not that I can't think of anything original, or that I need to keep repeating myself to keep repeating myself, but that I'm just still astonished on a regular basis by how far I've come since May, 2001. I've reached other milestones during that time, but not in the same way, not in setting myself a goal and sticking with it until I achieved it. That's a whole new one for me.
I'm just saying. Can't believe I'm still here. Cool.
Well, Duh
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You Are a New School Democrat |
You like partying and politics - and are likely to be young and affluent.
You're less religious, traditional, and uptight than most Democrats.
Smoking pot, homosexuality, and gambling are all okay in your book.
You prefer that the government help people take care of themselves.
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