As I celebrate the annual re-birthday of me. Twelve years ago today, and just a few hours earlier in the day than the current 8 PM, I awoke from eight hours of surgery and discovered myself to be still living. Imagine my surprise! Although I had not seriously considered the possiblity, never mind the ramifactions, of my own death an opposite outcome, still, I was lying there that night doing a whole lot of testing: yes, I can see, yes, I can breathe, ah, I can move my fingers, my toes. Definitely, living.
Today is my twelfth re-birthday. At the time, and for several years afterwards, really, I was often consumed by the hugeness of all this. That I, of all people, had a brain tumor. A brain tumor! Something that just happened on soap operas, right? That even though I was getting used to the deaf thing, that I, of all people, would live this way for the rest of my life. That my children might not remember me well before. That I would one day have grandchildren who never knew me without the hearing aids, the crooked smile. The enormity of it was sometimes overwhelming. But not in a self-pity kind of way; I haven't known much of that, at least not in connection with this. In an amazement kind of way.
When Jack had his heart attack in 1982, he lay there in intensive care and said in absolute amazement "Imagine, that I, I of all people, had a heart attack!" Him of all people? He was 75 pounds or more overweight, hadn't exercised since he marched across Europe with the 8th Army, and hadn't seen a doctor since the day he was drafted. Him of all people? He was the heart attack poster boy.
But the brain tumor, well. To my knowledge, I'd never done a thing that could have caused a freaking brain tumor. I mean, how would you even do that if you wanted to? (Yes, I know, of course, no one ...)
Cut to the chase. Like so much else, now it's mostly just a thing that happened once and this is how things are now and that's it. I guess I thought it would be freshly amazing every day as long as I lived. Now it's just a scar, like the one on the back of my neck, healed, barely noticeable. Just another something that happened once. Twelve years ago today.
--------------------------------------------------
I'm watching Seinfeld
--------------------------------------------------
last ::
next
Sweet Sorrow - 06.12.2007
So ... - 12.19.2006
Christmastime Is Near - 12.18.2006
Fifteen Years - 12.17.2006
A Message From Our Sponsor - 12.16.2006
|
