Each of my daughters, for whatever reason, possesses an artificial human head. K's is a phrenology head named Dennis, which is, frankly, pretty creepy. R's is a glass head that she craved after working for five minutes at a Pier One a few years ago. When she went to Wales, I eminently domained the glass head and put in on top of my rolltop desk to use as a hat rack.
Now you know how I came by a glass head. One of my missions for this lovely Saturday morning (which did indeed get off to a snowy, leafy start) was to find a hat I could wear this winter. I have a lot of hats, probably because I'm never ever satisfied with one. This is partly due to the fact that I have what my mother called a pinhead, both hers and mine; we've just got small heads. (Not abnormally small, and I know that pinhead is actually an unkind term used to describe microcephalics in the sideshows of years past. Shirl just meant that we've got smaller than average heads, which we do.) Anyway, another part of my problem is that I don't like my ears to be cold, I don't like the winter sun glaring in my eyes, and I'd like to keep my hearing aids dry. In other words, I'm too picky.
I pulled out all my winter hats from the closet, not counting the plain wool baseball caps, because they itch, they're not really that warm, and they don't cover my ears. Submitted for your approval:
I've had this about 20 years, maybe more. The outside shell is a black water-repellent baseball cap, and the liner is red fleece, with earflaps that come down, or fold up and tie over the top. I lurve this hat. This is the one that caused my friend E to give me the nickname "The Schmuck With Earlaps." Heheheh. From birth, my children would not be seen in public with me wearing this hat. It also led to the Chum getting me this next one for Christmas a few years later:
It's rabbit fur. She got it at the L.L. Bean outlet in Maine, so it's some kind of factory second; I think it cost her $10, but she said that when she saw it, she knew I had to have it. It is hands down the warmest hat I've ever worn, and yes, I did wear it for a couple of winters. Remember, half the population of the town I live in emigrated directly from Moscow, so I didn't even get funny looks on the street. Mr. Recycling was not thrilled that I was wearing fur, and really, neither was I. I have to keep it in a box on a high closet shelf, because Boo thinks it's prey. He probably thinks it's stalking him.
Because I have every other piece of crap sold on behalf of any organization at the high school, I wore this one for a couple of years, too. Needless to say, these are school colors, sort of; in real life, the red is not supposed to florescent. I'm so over that stage now.
Okay, this is just silly.
And this is even sillier. Yes, I do love the fleece, but enough is enough.
I've been wearing this one for the last couple of years. It's fleece, it has modest little earflaps, and most importantly, it fits my head. Most hats I put on, it feels like a gust of wind is going to blow them right off. But since my hair is so short, none of it sticks out at all, and it just makes me look like a bald pinhead. So this morning, I tried on all my hats, and this is the winner:
When my cousin's son, who is now 31, was about 10, this was his skiing hat. When he outgrew it, she sent it east for any of my sister's kids or mine to wear, but they all had more fashion sense, and none of them were skiers, so it wasn't even functional to them. But it
- fits me, because it's a child-size hat
- has a brim, so it keeps the sun out of my eyes
- has earflaps, so it keeps my ears warm and my hearing aids dry
Voila. BTW, R, who is 23 years old, says she will not be seen in public with me if I'm wearing this hat. You'd think she'd have grown out of that whole "embarrassed by your mother" thing by now. Hell, I'm wearing it to work. It's cold out there.
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I'm watching Pirates of the Caribbean
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