It's a few minutes after 7 PM and I'm back in the library. It's Back to School night, and a more pointless exercise I cannot imagine. Since we no longer have students assigned to the library, there is virtually no chance that any parent will come in unless someone gets lost. Even then, we're not on a main corrider, so it's unlikely that anyone would get lost and end up here. But we are required to be in attendance. Most teachers a) freak out about having to talk to a group of adults and b) dress up for the occasion. I can talk to anyone in groups (it's the social skills required for individual contacts I have trouble with) although I'm not called upon to do so tonight and as for b), please. I put on black jeans as opposed to blue and a nice Chico's shirt instead of the denim. For me, that's dressed up. I didn't even look at my hair in the mirror before I left the house to come back here. (But that's a real perk of the short hair. Once it's in place in the morning, you're good for the day.)
So. I'm sitting at my desk putting this entry together (but I'll post it when I get home.) I was just reading the House message boards over on Television Without Pity. Once the parents start walking from class to class, I may walk the halls a bit myself and work in a little exercise. (They're at a PTA meeting now; the bells start ringing at 7:30.) I brought Vonnegut's new book with me from home, and my Jenny snack.
I hate it here.
I've been going through episodes of stress recently, today, to the point where I could feel my blood pressure rising. I totally hate that, and I refuse to allow it to continue. It's all this place that's doing it, all the stupid shit about not knowing where we'll be when the library closes, wondering why they are even bothering to open a new library when clearly they -- the administration -- places no value on such things whatsoever. It's not making me depressed, which is at least a good thing. But it's making me angry. I no longer live with anger on a routine basis the way I used to, and it's making me angrier that I'm letting them make me angry. I have really got to work through this. I don't know if I wrote about the dream I had yesterday morning -- I don't think so -- but I woke up for the day having just dreamed it was the first day of school in the new building and things were not going, shall we say, well. The feeling it left me with is really hanging over me like a cloud. What really keeps setting me off is when I think that what they'll probably do with me is put me on permanent locker room duty for the interim, which is, I think, the worst possibility.
(At the beginning and end of each of the eight periods, while the kids are undressing and dressing, a teacher is on locker room duty. The purpose of this, I believe, is to deter kids bullying each other and/or taking each other's stuff, etc. Once the kids are changed and go to the gym, the duty is over. A teacher will have this duty for one period a day, so that's ten minutes at the beginning and end of each period. What teachers do, they tell me, when they have locker room duty, is stare at a wall for the whole ten minutes, because there is no place else they can look. And I'm supposing that they can have me do this at the beginning and end of every period, since there won't be anything else for me to do. Damn, I sure am glad I got that second master's degree.)
At my worst, that's what I foresee. With any luck, it won't happen, but I have no way to know. And therein lies the source of my rising blood pressure.
Okay, I'm signing off and I'll post this later. (If only I had read those directions for posting by email. But I won't log in to dland from the school network; that's just a bad plan.) If the SCM would only shut up for five minutes, I could read.
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I'm watching BTF 2
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