a fifty-something under-tall half-deaf school librarian in the jersey suburbs with two grown kids and time on her hands

Libraries will get you through times of no money better than money will get you through times of no libraries.

links :: quotations :: profile :: email :: :: host :: the weary traveler

03.03.2003

7:50 pm

Is it maybe not that I'm not getting it that now both of my parents are gone -- it's that I still feel like they're here? Or do I just feel that way because I'm putting off feeling the real thing?

I asked my therapist before, "This is going to hit me some time, right?" And she said, "Oh, yeah."

Is it denial, is this what denial is? Am I afraid that I'm going to fall apart and I'm subconsciously doing anything I possibly can to prevent that, or at least, put it off?

I think about Jack -- daddy -- all the time, all day long. I know he's in a better place, or, bowing to his certainty that there is no afterlife, that he's better off. No pain, no limitations, no old age. I know he's okay.

It can't be that I'll never talk to him again, because I'm talking to him all the time. I can hear his voice; all of us in the family can even do his voice, all his expressions, all --- him. So it can't be that he's gone, because he's so here.

It seems incomprehensible to me that all through time, all people everywhere have to do this. I didn't know. I didn't know that this is how my parents felt when their parents died. I didn't know.

--------------------------------------------------
I'm watching
--------------------------------------------------

last :: next

Sweet Sorrow - 06.12.2007
So ... - 12.19.2006
Christmastime Is Near - 12.18.2006
Fifteen Years - 12.17.2006
A Message From Our Sponsor - 12.16.2006