All my life's a circle;
Sunrise and sundown;
Moon rolls thru the nighttime;
Till the daybreak comes around.
All my life's a circle;
But I can't tell you why;
Season's spinning round again;
The years keep rollin' by.
It seems like I've been here before;
I can't remember when;
But I have this funny feeling;
That we'll all be together again.
No straight lines make up my life;
And all my roads have bends;
There's no clear-cut beginnings;
And so far no dead-ends."*
And so it goes. Tonight I went to therapy for the last time. When asked by the few people who knew I was going why I was stopping, I answered "I'm cured!" Hardy-har. What I discovered just tonight was that I fixed something that was never broken. But I had to go through the process to find that out. I've been going to therapy for about 3 and half years, during which time I've gone through some heavy stuff. I'm glad -- very very very glad -- that I did. Like taking control of my health issues, therapy was a way for me to take a positive step towards a way of life that is good for me. But I think the overall thing that I learned, and everything else that falls under this blanket, is that I am really okay after all. I was always somewhat amused by who I am, but now I am very content to be who I am. I used to think that there were all kinds of things seriously wrong with me and one day everyone was going to find out, but now it's more like, yeah, well, this is how I am and it's not wrong, it never was, it's just all kinds of quirky, and that's just fine. It's just fine being me. I realized -- just tonight, in fact -- that I had lived with a lifetime of stress that came from not really liking who I was because I thought I was sooooo peculiar and that was bad, and that stress is all gone. Poof, all gone. I'm not Mother Teresa, which is good, because we already had one of those.
Wow, that was rambling, and not nearly as good as it sounded in my head on the drive home.
One of the last things I told the therapist was that one of my favorite songs of all time is Circle, by Harry Chapin. The first time I ever made a mix tape, about 17 years ago, I made that the first song. I called it my "Magic Tape." It's gone through a lot of variations since then, but it's still the first song in the mix, now an iPod playlist. It seemed like the theme song for today, though.
.
(*not mine. Harry Chapin. copyright him/them/etc. etc.)
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I'm watching Seinfeld
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So ... - 12.19.2006
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Fifteen Years - 12.17.2006
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