Yes, it's that kind of day. I don't know why, exactly, but I sure have devoted a lot of energy to thinking about it. Here's what I came up with, in no particular order.For one, it's just an icky day. It's too muggy, and I've been on the edge of a mugginess-induced headached all day long.
It's a bad temperature day, as in hot-cold-hot-cold all day long. It's not the air temp, it's the me-temp. So it's a bad menopause day, which is like a bad PMS day but it could go on for a month, for all I know. Probably, that's at the core of the whole bad day thing, because I find that thing that would not ordinarily irritate me, are, for example, late last night (when I wasn't, for a change, sleeping) there were endless commercials on MSNBC for various investment firms and about nest eggs and such and I realixed suddenly that if I hadn't planned for all that shit in my twenties, then I'm going to be spending my golden years living in a box under a bridge. Damn! Why do they show all those damn commercials? Who are they for, anyway? If you're not rich and young, they're just demoralizing.
On the Today show this morning, they showed a series of fashion no-nos. Oh, this was fun. One of them was someone wearing white jeans, too tight, from the back. *shudder* So now I need to take back the white jeans I bought yesterday because the more I think about it, I don't think so. The next no-no was a 50ish lady wearing a too-bright tye-dyed t-shirt. Guess what I was wearing at that very moment? So now the TV is telling me that not only am I stupid because I bought food and diapers in the eighties instead of investing, I dress badly, too.
I talked to the Sibs this morning, who was all bright and chipper, having just come in from a two and a half mile walk with her husband. So now I'm jealous of that. I wish I had someone to walk with. I wish that when I ask her to walk with me instead of saying "Ok, we'll work it out," she'd just say "Nyah nyah, I've got a husband who'll do that with me and we walk every day." Well, not really, but I am jealous. Someone to walk with would be a definite plus.
(Speaking of husbands, K mentioned to me on the phone the other day that her friends in D.C. think she has imaginary parents. Even when we go there, we wrap up what we're doing and turn around and leave in an hour. So her friends say "Aren't your parents coming today?" and she says "Uh, they left." I told her I could come and visit for a couple of days later in the summer, but her father ... "Is an antisocial hermit?" she asked. Exactly.)
I ate too much today. We went to the Whole Foods mother ship this morning, and when we got back, I ate everything. This is the first time in my memory that I have not wanted to snack on anything after lunch. I can't bear the thought of taking a sip of iced tea. I feel unpleasantly full. Which leads to what I think the root of my problem is.
This time last year, I was near the end of my very succesful diet. I lost 20 pounds. I felt very, very good, and very, very good about myself. I have since then put back ten or more pounds, and I feel not very good. I feel the weight gain in my breathing, and certainly in my clothes. Even though some of the gain was definitely triggered by menopause and the medication I take for it, most of it was caused by simply eating too much and moving too little. I've been making an effort, more or less, for the last several weeks, but it isn't enough. Weighing this much makes me feel bad. Therefore, I have to weigh less. Since it took some time to put it on, it will take some time to get it off. But it's not going anywhere unless I change the way I eat, and walk more. That's it, that's all of it.
I have no desire whatsoever to eat dinner, because I still feel so bloated, but I'll make the chicken kabobs that we bought this morning, and finish mine tomorrow, if I need to. Bleah. Also, I'm finding the not-sleeping annoying. Once I get to sleep, I sleep fine, but I'm not falling asleep until midnight or later, and I wake up sans alarm at six something. It makes for a very long day. By eleven, I'm zombied out and bored to tears, but I still can't fall asleep.
The cat is sitting on the keyboard now, so that's my cue to bid you all good day.
