I wrote a rather long entry, starting last night, but I'm not going to post it. It's enough that I wrote it and that I'm feeling somewhat better now because I finally had the chance to have a long talk with R about the upcoming trip. (I had been able to have a nice talk with K about it last night.) At the moment, I'm a little more at peace with it, but last night was insane, as was most of today. The bottom line is that they are going and I am going to live with that, and despite my occasional certainty that they will die on the road, I know that in the real world this is not going to happen and next week they will be home and it will be in the past. So there.K says that I can call them literally every five minutes during the trip, if that's what I want to do. If there were no cell phones, I would probably have to be hospitalized under heavy sedation. As it is, I expect to drain the battery on both of their phones.
Really, I have experienced more emotions today than anyone should go through in a single day. Not only was I pretty much in-and-out losing it over this whole thing, I had a visitor at school. It was Elliot, the former student who has recently returned from Iraq. He came to the high school just to see me.
Oh, it was wonderful to see him! I know this is a cliche, but he looked so grown-up in his uniform! I was so happy, first, of course, to see him home and safe from danger, and of course, that he came to see me. And how would it have been possible not to think about what his mother had to go through every minute that he was there, and for that to make me feel that my concern for my kids making this long drive is petty compared to that.
Here's another funny thing. I wrote something yesterday about depression and my family and such; my sister tends this way, and usually, I can hear it immediately in her voice on the phone. I know when she's not right. This is probably what startled me most about the little audioblog that I posted yesterday, not just that it sounded just like her, but that it sounded just like her not right. I think that's when I started to realize that I've got a depression thing going on here, but I didn't quite put it together until I was thinking about recording another one, but I don't want to as long as I sound like that. So, assuming that everyone comes home alive, I'll record something else next week. I think I generally sound less hesitant and whispery. That's the depression give-away.
Y'know, I realize that I am writing some really weird stuff here, but I am most grateful that I have here to write it in. Mostly, I'm venting, and it's better for me to get it out. Logically, I know that those two idiots will be fine and will come home and life will go on, la la la. Indeed, I have lived through worse fears for them. But I am never good with it, and I never will be.
In other news and speaking of the other thing that's been pre-occupying my mind, Q the cat has shown a little more strength and vitality, only within the last hour. She has a bit more appetite and wants to be near us, as opposed to spending the last couple of days sleeping behind the loveseat, next to the heater. So that's better.
Oh, also, I want to thank you guys for your encouragement vis-a-vis the empty nest thing. I think I really am okay with all that, actually; anyway, the nest is not quite empty yet because K will be coming home from school at the end of the semester and will be living here through a year of grad school, most likely. I also know from having them both away in the past that I will enjoy the quiet and the tidyness. And the savings in toilet paper alone is something to look forward to.
