I have got me some very definite tastes when it comes to what clothes I will wear. I don't care what anyone else wears, especially. Well, that's not true, because I think everyone else should dress like me, or at the very least, better than I do.I went to Sears after school today to buy some Lands End jeans, because I thought that they, at least, would have jeans that fit my freakish body shape. If I went into the Gap, whose jeans I have faithfully worn for the last 15 years or so, they would laugh and point and I would have to leave the store. It would seem, however, that I am just as freakish to the Lands End people. Now, I seriously knew this when it came to bathing suits, about which I have ranted more than once before, but jeans? Dude. Everybody should be able to get a decent pair of jeans. My jeans fitting problem is that I have a much bigger waist than hips, and that I am short. The jeans I bought -- oh, yes, I bought them -- seemed to fit when I was in the store and standing up. I came home and put them on and sat down at my desk. The waistband is now a) cutting me in half, and b) is sitting about two inches below my bra. Ah, the wonders of short. For the height-gifted among you, it's not just that we can't see over the counter in the bank, it's that our torsos are short, and there just isn't enough room in there for all the clothes to fit at the same time. I called Lands End, and though they offer petite sizes, that just means that the legs are shorter. Actually, the leg length on these jeans is fine. It's the body length I need shorter. Well, no such luck in this style, but the woman on the phone found me another with a slightly lower rise. We'll see how those work. And now, in no apparent order, my particular tastes in clothes that I will wear, or not wear. If I happen to hit on your own personal favorite, well, hey. I'm not saying that I'm right. I'm just saying.
- Jeans with elastic waistbands - I have a friend who thinks these are the shit. Hey, be comfortable. Just don't pretend they're really jeans.
- Cropped pants - Will someone please tell me on whom these look good? Well, I suppose they look good on tall people; that's possible. I believe that cropped pants would make me look seriously malformed and trollish.
- Shoes - And what kind of shoes do you wear with cropped pants, anyway? (Don't ... don't say heels. {shudder} ) Speaking of shoes, people are always pointing to their tiny little ballet slippers that they're wearing out in the world and telling me I must get them, because they are so comfortable! I can't even wear those in the house. We're talking back damage requiring traction. And while I'm talking about shoes ...
- Flip-flops - Okay, this one is easy. FLIP FLOPS ARE NOT SHOES. I don't know what the hell they are, and I don't see the attraction, but they are not shoes. My younger daughter has, maybe, 20 pairs of flip-flops in various stages of usability. I say, if you wear $6 shoes, your feet and back will remind you all your life. I can't even walk in them.
- Tight shirts - Okay, here goes. If you are a woman of a certain age, and you put on a shirt and you look in the mirror and you can see the outline and shape of your bra, and all your various rolls and bumps, then honey, your shirt is the wrong size. Everybody's got the rolls. Everybody else doesn't need to know about it.
- Tucking in - This one is really just me, and has no bearing on anyone else. More or less, I got it from my mother, who had pretty much the same shape I have. (Oh, yes, I just love that.) I do not tuck shirts into my pants. Not. Ever. For one, it is very, very uncomfortable, especially since pants are always tight right at the waist. For another, I think it looks just terrible on me. Certainly, everyone in the world would be able to see that hey, my waist is two inches below my boobs, and can that really be a good look on anyone? Not to mention that it would just make my shirt lay nice and flat and smooth over the mountain of flesh that I am carrying at my waist. Why would a person do such a thing? I always wear a shirt that hangs over my pants, because -- get this -- if the shirt hangs down from those which stick out in front (which thankfully still stick out more than my belly does) then it appears that I have no belly at all. This is way cool. If you are under 30, remember this trick, because you may need it in 20 years. People tell me all the time that I don't need to lose weight. This is due to the shirt-hanging-over technique. When I tell them what I weigh, they fall down.
- Cinched waists - Clearly, an extension of the last one, but I cannot abide a winter jacket with one of those drawstrings inside at the waist. Of course, they are never where my actual waist is, but aside from that, does anyone ever really pull that tight? Don't you want your down jacket roomy enough to layer under? Why do they put those there?
- Drawstrings - Speaking of, when I get a hoodie with a drawstring in it, the first thing I do is cut it out. They are never even, and that just annoys the shit out of me.
- Socks - I love socks and always wear socks, but why do they put seams across the toes? We can put a man on the moon, but we can't make seamless socks?
Yeah, I'm done. Sorry.
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I'm watching The Nanny
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