Let me tell you about my mother-in-law and father-in-law. Because even though I love them, they've been pissing me the hell off lately.
We've always had a very good relationship. The Jewish/non-Jewish thing was never an issue for any of our parents at all, for one, and that could have been a problem in other families. Years ago, we took our vacations together. We had dinner at their house every Friday night until K was two. When I had the big brain surgery, they did everything for the girls so neither Hubs nor I would have to worry about them at all.
The MIL does not express dissaproval, although I always did feel that she would have liked me to clean and cook more than once a decade. She once took the girls out on a November Saturday morning when they were little, and they came home with new hats and mittens. She explained, "They said they didn't have hats or mittens." Sure, because it WASN'T COLD and their new gear was still in the Bradlees bag with the tags on. So there's the passive/aggressive thing that her son is so good at. But I digress.
Remember, I do love these people. Yet I have been known to refer to them as "Betty and Jim" after Betty and Jim Anderson on "Father Knows Best." (This is not a compliment.) In other words, they often appear to lack dimension, like characters in a sitcom, and every loose end has to be tied up in a half hour, and they'd prefer having a laugh track. Every moment for them needs to be trivialized and reduced to a pleasant comment and a chuckle. They would be comfortable in a black and white 1950s living room. But here's the weirdest thing about them:
Everything has to run smoothly. If it doesn't, they force it to, or they pretend that it is. This is not to say that they haven't had their share of life's adventures; but when the FIL went in for surgery, the MIL simply didn't think about it, she drove to the hospital when it was time, cleaned the house when it wasn't, and moved on. She cannot face emotions, so she doesn't. By way of example:
Some years ago -- about ten, I guess -- I was on the phone with her and told her that my nephew J2, then 14, had just been diagnosed with diabetes. Now, the MIL knew him and his mother, so it's not like this was a stranger. "Oh," she replied, in a commiserating voice, "D (my nephew on that side, her grandson), isn't feeling well either. His mother thinks he has another ear infection."
HELLO?
I dreaded telling her that I had to have brain surgery, since her reaction was likely to be peculiar. Again, the commiserating voice, followed by some kind of good news about D or his sister getting good grades in school, or the like.
What the hell is wrong with her?
And yet seeing her emotional is almost worse, since she -- again, like her son -- has only two settings: on/off. yes/no. controlled/meltdown.
Her own father died during her second pregnancy, so that would be going on 47 years ago. To this day, if he is mentioned in casual conversation, even by her own sister, she begins to cry. And then immediately cleans or cooks something to escape the moment.
All of which is to say that I have spoken to her twice since my father died and neither time did she express condolences or sympathy in any way. The first time she began with "How are you?" so maybe she thinks that was good enough. Let me tell you, it isn't.
I'm not asking her to fall apart, god knows, because I couldn't handle that at all. All I'm asking is for the same common courtesy I got from people at work I barely know, from the guy at the bank I just met, from everyone else on the planet. Is that too much?
As for the FIL, well, another time. I've only spoken to him on the phone once since, and he didn't say a f***ing thing.
more white crap all day
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I'm watching i didn't vote for him
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Sweet Sorrow - 06.12.2007
So ... - 12.19.2006
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