So yesterday's was my 500th entry and I wasted it on having had a tooth pulled. This is what I really should have written about: I stopped smoking a year ago.
Notice I do not say that I "quit" smoking. I never say that. First of all, if I'm still alive at 80 or 85, I may take it up again. I enjoyed it. If I still smoked, I'd still enjoy it. I have never thought of myself as a smoker who has quit. I would prefer to think of myself as not having a cigarette today, for some reason or other. If I feel the same way tomorrow, I won't have a cigarette then either. Am I a smoker? Yes, I still think of myself as a smoker.
Last summer, I never planned to quit, although I knew that if I ever did, it would have to be in the summer, since a part of my workday routine has always been hanging out with Chum and smoking, and she's away all summer. But I've always believed that people who set a date when they plan to quit are dooming themselves to failure. If you want to quit, quit now. If you're putting it off, you're really not ready, so if you try, it's not likely to work. The only way to stop smoking/go on a diet/start exercising/stop drinking or whatever it is is to be ready to do that, to make that change. Not ready? Probably not going to work.
I did tuck away somewhere in my head last year that maybe around August 1 I might see if I could go for a day without having a smoke. I did this by not going anyplace where it was okay to smoke, like sitting out in the backyard, or driving around in my car, even. If I wanted one, I'd think "I'll just have it later," and then later, I'd put it off again. I did the same thing the next day, and so on.
I didn't do this specifically for a health reason, since I didn't find out I had high blood pressure til months later, and then I would have had to give it up, ready or not. I did this because of the general sense that it's better not to smoke than to smoke, if you can work that out. Everybody who smokes knows this, by the way. They -- we -- don't need anyone else to tell us. We've all got it.
I do not proselytize others to get them to stop smoking (and all of my nears and dears still smoke, including both my children) because that's obnoxious, and anyway, they would have to be ready (see above.) It's just a personal, and individual, thing. I'm glad that I stopped, if only because of the health issues that surfaced later. And I'm still amazed that I don't smoke any more. It just surprises me on a daily basis.
My father stopped smoking when I was about five years old, and said once, about 20 years later, that if he took one and lit it up, it would be as if he'd never stopped and he'd just be smoking again full time. I know what he means. I have smoked twice in the last year -- on the day we took K back to school last August, and on the day R left for Wales in September -- but I knew those were specific situations and I wouldn't be starting up again. But I think if I had one just for no reason, on any regular day, I'd be back in the saddle again.
So it's a kind of landmark, but not one that I celebrate, particularly. It's more like "Huh, I don't smoke anymore. Funny, that." Truth be told, 500 entries is a bigger deal to me. That and my new jeans in a smaller size. I really don't know how the hell I pulled that one off.
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