That "even emotional place" I mentioned yesterday? Incredibly short-lived.My sister called after 8:00 last night, a bad sign in and of itself, to tell me that our cousin who has cancer is very close to the end, his brother says probably by the end of the week. He is too heavily medicated at this point to be in pain, which is a blessing, anyway. He has loving people close to him. When we are called to go, we will go.
And that, in fact, is what set me off. I think a lot of what I've been putting on myself since last night's phone call is a smokescreen that keeps me from truly feeling that Peter will be gone, but I've been very wired up over the actual phone conversation and the upcoming journey to Cincinnati. I had discussed this a bit with my sister just a few weeks ago, and asked her not to make travel plans without me because I woul certainly be going as well. Then last night, she asked if I would go. This really just dragged up a lot of feelings I have about being generally excluded from things in the family, none of which I think are ever my sister's fault, but which she gets caught up in. There was a particular incident a little over a year ago, but I won't go into that. Anyway, I told her that of course I would be going, and that R might go with me, as the Hubs does not do that sort of thing. (That's just a whole different issue. It's not funerals that he avoids. He is pathologically incapable of taking time away from work. It's not that we as family aren't as important as work, it's that he thinks he isn't, and doesn't deserve to get a minute off. But I digress.)
Well, the Sibs seemed a bit put off that R would go. I know this is because of our trip to Florida two years ago, a mini-family reunion of sorts with this branch of the family, and I brought my kids, but her older kids -- the ones who are blood-related here -- did not go. They felt bad that they hadn't been offered a trip to go as well, but that's not what it was. It was that people were gathering in Florida, and the Sibs, her husband and their younger son were already going to be in Florida visiting his family, so they swung around to spend the end of their vacation with all of us. As for me, I didn't want to travel alone -- and the Hubs doesn't, as I mentioned, go -- so I brought my kids, for my company. Damn. This is all too complicated.
So all night and all morning, I'm dwelling on not only losing Peter, but on the shitfest that will surround the rest of what's coming. My sister's husband, let's be frank, is not willing to share her with anybody else, most especially one of the chief rivals for her attention, who is me. He is truly wonderful to her and for her, and I am grateful every day that she found him, but for me, not so good. I'm figuring that if I don't have someone of my own to travel with, I will just spend big bunches of time alone. They could get the news and he could book a flight and a hotel before my sister even gets a chance to call me.
Given the time change and all, I couldn't call her this morning until at least 11, and trust me, I had my finger on the speed dial. I said I had to clear the air, and just saying that to her is a huge thing for me. But I did. We are okay. She promised to include me in everything, all reservations, and understands why I would like R to go along. (If she can, which maybe she even can't. Don't know yet.) I am much re-assured.
But still pretty much all tensed up and teary. When we get the call, we will fly out there for a memorial service, which is what Peter wants instead of an actual funeral. I imagine we will know a day, or maybe two, ahead of time. For all we know, they can hold off a memorial service until the summer, although I don't expect that. The only time I wouldn't be able to go is the weekend that K is graduating from college, which is May 13, and my niece is graduating from law school the week after that, so my sister wouldn't be able to go then. Otherwise, I will have to let the library close, pack up, and/or move without me, if it comes to that. My children come first, but my work does not.
It sounds like the details are working themselves out. Only one thing left to think about, isn't there?
