Okay, first, a disclaimer. Diaries, as you know, are where you vent and where you can say anything. So if I say anything that seems scary, please know that I am simply using my diary to its best advantage. Nothing is actually happening, or going to happen. I'm having an extremely bad day.This is what I figured out: why people kill themselves. I think they do it because it is, or seems to be, the only way to turn off that damn inner monologue. Or drugs, I guess people turn to drugs or alcohol to try to turn it off, to deaden it. I am not going to do any of those things. If I were a person who could just go to sleep when I want to, that would probably work, too. I will be amazed if I fall asleep tonight.
My inner monologue, I believe, is causing me to act strangely tonight. Certainly I have noticed it, and the girls and the Hubs have too, I think. I hope I didn't embarrass myself at the play at school. Probably not, but I just think so.
This is a sister/Thanksgiving thing. I was having a pretty good day -- relocated completely to the new library; I am no longer in exile -- until I got home and called my sister. Bottom line: she really doesn't want Thanksgiving anymore. She says she can't stand that it's the same thing year after year. She understands that what everyone else likes about it is that it's the same thing year after year, but she can't see why people like that. She doesn't want it at her house, but she won't agree to have it anyplace else. She wants to go to a restaurant, but no one else does. In other words, it's all in her hands and she's miserable, and now she's made me miserable, too. Usually, I would feel some sort of responsibility to make sure that my family, at least, still gets the Thanksgiving they want, but that's not what I'm feeling now. I just want it to be the Thanksgiving that I love. I want to be happy, which is what she wants to be, but the two are incompatible. What we will do is that we will have Thankssgiving at her house and she will be unhappy up until the minute it starts and then she will be fine. As for me, I feel like what I love is lost and gone forever. So I will have to pretend to be happy and then it will be over It will be over forever and I will never have it back.
I think the best Thanksgiving I could have this year would be if I parked my car at the curb next to my parents at the cemetery and sat there and smoked cigarettes all day. I can't get them back. Why does she want to take away everything else, too?
No comments today, please.
